It shows that my understanding of my anxiety and myself generally is progressing, that I am writing this blog post, being aware of what is wrong.
There is, at least for me, a lot going on at the moment and I recognise that they feelings I am experiencing are because I am overwhelmed. So this post is mainly for me, as I know one way to help the situation; is to write down my feelings – to focus my mind and understand why I am overwhelmed.
I feel this way because of:
- The ongoing issues and worry of my unwell partner
- One of my (grown up) sons erratic employment and he keeps ‘losing’ jobs
- Both of our (grown up) sons personal finances
- Therefore the added pressure on our own finances
- A very close young family member has recently passed away
- Another (grown up) child has relationship problems
- I have unexpectedly received a PIP review form from the DWP
- I am struggling with the part time work I do, specifically in relation to online reviews and how to manage them for my clients business
In short my behaviour and what I say to close family members, makes me constantly question whether I am doing and saying the right thing – am I adding to their hurt.
What I can see is how I have changed, developed and am better at understanding how I feel.
I know this is also about, my need to feel in control and my urge to want to help/mend issues for close family members. And I am better now, at knowing that I am not responsible for their situations (money, work etc) and it is down to them to resolve them, with my assistance if they want it, but it is not my responsibility. However, it is hard not to want to just ‘fix it’ for them, especially when it is your children.
Death, seems to effect or is it affect, me differently, I don’t feel the need or want to visit someone in their last days, I want to remember someone as they were, whereas a lot of our family members want to be there. Now the poor person has sadly passed away, I see that, whilst it is incredibly sad and unfair, that person is now at rest, at peace and no longer in pain. Death seems very clear cut to me; others seems so confused and angry about it. I know we are all different and we all see the certainty of death differently. I need to consider my words more carefully.
Finances, are a worry for us all. If at the end of the day, I choose to feed and provide tobacco for my two grown up sons at my expense, firstly it is my choice and secondly how can I expect them to manage their own finances better if I keep bailing them out – so this is, in my control, I have to change, but it is so hard to do.
The PIP review form, well I just have to get it done, no good fretting about it needing to be done, I need to make a start.
And work, well a lot of that is my own ridiculously high standards and I need to convince myself that I am doing a good job.
So, the point is: I am, thanks to the counselling I have done and time, much better at:
- Recognising, that I am and why I am overwhelmed.
- Understanding the feelings/emotions that I am feeling
- Knowing that I will feel better if I get on and tackle some items that then removes them from my worry.
- Knowing (but I am still working on fully believing) that some things are not my responsibility
- Using the tools I have learnt about, including writing my thoughts down (here they are) and being kind to myself: doing the things I want to do (hence I am blogging again) and also I must make the time to go for a walk on my own.
Time for a cup of tea!